Two weeks old!

Hard to believe, but my beautiful daughter is already two weeks old. We're finally starting to settle into more of a routine, we don't even notice the sleep deprivation anymore! :) Actually we think she's a great sleeper for a newborn, she's been getting up about every 4 hours at night to eat. I usually take the middle of the night feeding, and then Kyle takes the early morning one while I sleep. It's worked out really well so far! Kyle's mom Sue came to stay with me for a couple days, which was so awesome, I loved having her here. She even took Payton for the night so Kyle and I got a FULL nights sleep; I can't tell you how amazing it felt!

Her little personality is really starting to show. For some reason she loves to scratch her face, so we keep mittens on her a lot of the time. She's a big sucker, and so introducing a pacifier to her has been a godsend. She does not like being naked (which Kyle and I are totally ok with!) so diaper changes and bath time are not her favorite. She's always happy afterwards though! :) She loves to be swaddled, even though she likes her arms up by her face. She gets the hiccups a lot, and although they don't seem to bother her, they bother Kyle and I because her little body contorts and it looks terrible!

Video of Payton with the hiccups... sorry it's kind of dark! I'm not sure how to turn it either, I'm a little technologically challenged...


This week was really hard for me. After visits with six different lactation consultants, pumping/feeding/supplementing around the clock, constant nipple pain that was worse than my labor at times (sorry if that's too much information) and Payton still losing too much weight, I had to accept the fact that breastfeeding was not working. Despite all my best efforts I'm still not even producing half of what she needs to gain weight, and that coupled with her tongue thrusting and chomping has made it nearly impossible. The only time she's ever gained weight has been when we've supplemented her with formula, and I can't bear to watch her cry in hunger anymore. This was one of the most devastating realizations I've ever made, I cried about it for days because I feel such immense mom guilt, and like I've failed her, even though it was a combination of both of us. I've been super emotional about it, and have a feeling it will take me a while to get over it... I'm still pumping a couple times a day when I feel full, and I'm so thankful that I can give that to her still, but she is now being mostly formula fed. It breaks my heart, but we had to do what's best for all of us; and a hungry upset baby and an exhausted emotional mom is not good for anyone. I'm hoping that maybe with my next baby it will work out better, and at least I will have a better idea of what to expect. Breastfeeding is such a personal decision, and not really one that I thought would matter to me so much, but it really does. I wanted so badly for her to get all the benefits of breastmilk, but am glad that she at least got all the colostrum, and any breastmilk I've been able to give her is better than none. I think sometimes it's hard to come to terms with the fact that my body wasn't able to do one of the things that it was designed for, but these things don't always go as planned. I told everyone that my birth plan was to not have a birth plan, but I lied when I said I didn't have any expectations. I assumed I would at least be able to have a vaginal birth, which ended up not being possible, and I assumed I would be able to breastfeed for as long as I wanted. When I wasn't able to do either, a part of me felt like I'd failed. I didn't anticipate how much I would intensely love this little person, and how much I want her to have the best of everything. I just keep telling myself that providing her with all the love I can and a stable loving household is important too, and these things will benefit her just as much, if not more. Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive throughout this process, one of my fears has been that people will think I did not try hard enough; please know that I tried my absolute best, and although I'm devastated it didn't work, at this point I'm trying not to beat myself up over it too much. It's taken me a couple days to even get to that point; I think sometimes our toughest critics are ourselves, and that was definitely true in my case. After losing 5 ounces of weight in 4 days, since she's been supplemented on formula she's steadily gained 2 ounces day; yesterday at her doctor's appointment she weighed 7 pounds 14 ounces, so although not quite back up to birth weight, she's definitely well on her way. I just hope she knows how MUCH I love her, and how I will always try to do right by her. Payton and her dad are my reasons for living. :)

Can you believe how much they change in just two weeks?!